The fire has died
And all I’m left with are the ashes
The grey remains of what once was
A silver powder, which will disappear with the slightest breeze
The earth is spinning
And I’m standing still not moving
The shadow of the person I used to be
A distant image is the life I had once desired for myself
The future is uncertain
And I have no remedy
The days seem bleaker with every passing month
A tragedy of loneliness too dark to describe too real to endure
To the past, may it forever rest
To the future, may we hope for the best
To the love, may it fill our hearts
To the envy, may it not tear us apart
To the passions, may they intensely live
To the pains, may we learn to forgive
To the courage, may it drive us forward
To the fear, may it remain just a word
To the trust, may it never fault us
To the regret, may it leave us thus
To the friends, may they always stay near
To the prospects, may they improve each year
I wish to turn back the clock and make everything right
I wish I could return to that point and fight not flight
I wish for the chance at the happiness that I had always longed for
I wish for a lighter baggage to fit through the proverbial door
I wish for the fear to vacate my soul
I wish for the ghosts to haunt me no more
I wish for the normalcy that others possess
I wish for the passion that would cause me to digress
I wish for a second try devoid of doubt
I wish for the opportunity to stand out
I wish to let the past rest in its grave
Or else my poor future I cannot save
A few months ago I chose to quit my job for a better opportunity. Unfortunately, that opportunity didn’t work out and I ended up being unemployed instead. For months I regretted my decision, convincing myself that I shouldn’t have taken the risk, that I was fine where I was.
My choice was based on a foundation of stress, so maybe if I had pushed through it the result would have been different. But the truth is you can’t undo life-altering choices, because they are what make your life. The small daily unconscious choices, along with the monumental decisions, they make up the days we spend on this Earth. Sounds obvious doesn’t it. Yet quite often we forget the reasons behind our choices, because we’re blind to the effects they will have on our future.
Back to my example. At first I perceived my unemployment as a failure, but now I realize that it has been a true blessing. During this free time, unburdened by the stress of a full-time position, I was able to relax. I dedicated time to my hobbies, took care of my health, engaged in new activities, met different people and gained some perspective. In the end, it was my choice that brought me to where I am today and for the first time in almost a decade, I can honestly say I understand what it means to be calm.
Twenty-five years
Twenty-five days
A quarter of a century
Lost my dear?
You have nothing to fear
There are no conquests, no victories
Age is but a myth
For none can avoid the scythe
And you will grow up eventually
So fill this time with memories
Content for future stories
In this very special January
The line between what is real and what is not is blurred and faded away
Thus the demons and doubts in my head decided to come out and play
As they run around, I sit here on this silent night and pray and pray
Wishing that God would hear my prayer and save my soul today
For these fears and anxieties are driving me insane in every way
And the darkness has consumed my all, leaving behind ashes of grey
But I still dream of a future not too far, one that’s here to stay
So I continue to plead in prayer “Dear God, please return what has been taken away”
And once again I hope they’re heard, for the madness I cannot delay
What does the future hold? A warmth from the chilling cold? A desire that has finally been fulfilled? A prospect for the truly skilled? Unknown to all, especially those who claim Who beat themselves, but only have themselves to blame A mysterious adventure, cruel and daunting With exciting paths, wild and haunting Such is the future as I see But don't take my word, it's only me Twists and turns are what I expect I wish it weren't the case, but nothing's perfect Words to be written, such a cliché The future is not a novel, but a game to play
Intro to Poetry – Day 10 (Future)
It’s no secret that I have always been a fan of fiction, be it as a written literary work or a motion picture. Delving into a world that is not real is appealing to me. While I enjoy more realistic fiction to fantasy or science-fiction, the fact the events have not and probably would not happen in reality is a comfort. I immerse myself in the character’s lives to the extent that I forget about my own life, which I guess is the whole point. However this is quite dangerous, because after a while you start to forget that you owe reality a lot.
It’s easy to escape from the worries and troubles and doubts that life hands you. But the more you run away the further you are from dealing with them. What I’m saying is not new; it has been said thousands of times. But I’m talking about myself, about how for the past year I ignored my future and pretended like it will sort itself out without me needing to do anything. I lost myself. For over a month now I’ve done something even worse, I put my passions aside. I stopped writing, stopped imagining, just stopped!
But I’m hoping all of this will change soon. I’m hoping that I will wake up and throw myself back into my work. Start creating again. I need to stop running away and start focusing on my future once more.
Song of the Week: Sara Bareilles – Brave
“I can’t find myself”. “I don’t know what I want to be”. Clichés. Sentences said by many young people after they graduate from school and college. But the reason why they’re clichés is because they’re true. Some people know, they just know, what they’re supposed to be. They don’t let anyone or anything stand in their way. While others struggle to find their place in the world, literally and figuratively, they wander aimlessly through life. Some of these wanderers may have an ultimate goal, but are taking a longer time to reach it. Others have no goals and no ideas of their true purpose in life. I pity those people.
I thankfully have a broad idea of where I would like my life to end-up. But taking that road is the truly difficult part. I don’t want a traditional life. I don’t dream of sitting on a desk for eight hours punching in numbers and getting a paycheck in the end of the month. That would kill me. I hope for some adventure. I would like to explore the world. And write.
I was asked once whether or not I would want a career. That depends on how you define the word career. If you are referring to a climb on the corporate ladder, which would inflate my bank account and suck years out of my life, then no. But if you are talking about growing in a specific field and succeeding in it, whatever it may be and however much it may pay, then yes. I would like some resemblance of a career. Most importantly though, I want a life!
An Artist at Heart 