Being Alone

Today I’m going to be completely honest with you; something I haven’t done before. Not to say that there wasn’t truth in my previous entries, but today I’ve decided to be more open. For most of my life I’ve felt that being alone was the worst thing in the world. However as I grew up, I came to realize that it might not be such a bad thing. When you’re alone no one can possibly hurt or disappoint you, but more importantly you can never hurt, disappoint or lose anyone. I know that loneliness leads to many psychological diseases; but there are times, when being alone is just easier.

I feel that I’ve been fucking up my own life. I’m usually quite organized, but when it comes to my personal life somehow I’ve managed to make one colossal mistake after the next. It’s possible that subconsciously I’ve been pushing people away on purpose. I’ve always been defensive, for reasons I won’t get into, and now I doing it for no reason. I’m being bitchy to my friends and family for the slightest irritation. Today I hurt a friend of mine and I don’t think he’ll forgive me. I crossed a line, it was unnecessary, idiotic and inexcusable but I did it anyway. I went out to dinner with two close friends and my sister. I was really looking forward to it and it was going great until that point. I was so frustrated and upset that I ended up leaving early. Being alone makes me secure, because I know that there is no one for me to disappoint, not even myself.

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One thought on “Being Alone

  1. I know exactly what you’re talking about. I was deciphering an e-mail (I’m not in the country so we write e-mails to each other) from a lover on purpose for hints of insincerity before I read this, when the guy has actually made it blatantly clear he likes me. But what does insecure me do? Create distance, find reason to back off, ruin it myself, and convince myself that he’s using me. I find reasons to keep my own space because it suits me better, and (perhaps you may relate to this) it’s so, so much easier than investing in relationships or friendships that often yield disappointment.
    But trust me, when someone you come too close to you figure out has their own set of issues, it influences you more negatively than being alone does, presuming loneliness is indeed harmful. Nothing is worse than being dragged down by someone else’s manipulative or abusive ways, and while only a fraction (hopefully!) of people out there may be that harmful to be around, the quirk of being alone is avoiding being in a situation like that entirely.
    As an artist,writer, or someone with any sort of creative pursuit guiding their life though, you’re never truly alone. Your relationship with your work is the most genuine and fulfilling one you’ll ever have.

    Like

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