She had always had a hard time expressing emotion to anyone but herself. She kept her emotions bottled up and was a phenomenally competent liar, when it came to them. She was in the habit of plastering a fake smile on her face, whenever she was upset or depressed or at times when she was angry (however that was harder to master). Her inability to express emotion stems from her lack of trust. For most of her life people were either cruel or dishonest, making it impossible for her to trust almost anyone. Even her closest friends didn’t know her as much as they thought they did. Some of her friends believed she was an open book that they could easily read, when in reality she lived in an impenetrable fortress within herself that no one can reach no matter how hard they tried.
This protective force was to keep her safe and free from hurt. She refused to show her true vulnerability to anyone, in fear that they would one day use it against her. This state made any real emotional relationship impossible, because she would not let anyone in. She watches her friends fall in and out of love on a regular basis, while she has never once allowed herself to fall in love. Her friendships were true, but she believed that even friendships need boundaries however loose these boundaries might be. Her friends were closest thing she had to an emotional relationship; any other relationships she had were brief and purely physical. She didn’t believe that there was any sanctity to the human body; however the mind and the soul are worth protecting with one’s life. At least that was her philosophical explanation for the way she is.
She wished she could talk to someone; open up, but that was much more than she could possible handle. Showing her true colors to anyone was something she couldn’t bear. She would always justify these feelings by saying ‘I would rather strip naked, than be naked.’ She was filled with inexplicable fear, which is the real reason why expressing emotion for her was torturous. She was afraid of failing, afraid or being alone, afraid of being with someone, afraid of being with the wrong person, afraid of too much regret; simply afraid. There have been only very few moments in her life when she was truly happy and at peace. For the most part she is anxious for no reason, which is what pains her the most; that she really doesn’t know why she feels the way she feels.