Dilemma 27 (A Miserable Life)

For the most part of her adolescent and post-adolescent life she had been depressed. She lived a sheltered and stagnant life with her family until she moved away for college. She thought that by moving away would allow her to relay entirely on herself. However that was only true after graduation. For four years she could only hold on to a part-time job along with her classes, which in itself was a tough balancing act. But once she graduated she realized that she needed to survive solely on the money she could earn. She remained hopeful for a little while, until reality struck her like a lightning bolt on a stormy night. At that point her life as an adult had officially begun, and ironically her new adult life brought her back to the adolescence she tried so hard to escape.

“You are a miserable failure. That pain you feel in your gut and chest is because of the amount of misery you soak yourself in. You have always been alone. You have never been in a serious relationship or ever been in love. You are in a constant state of fear, despair and hopelessness. You resent the past and are terrified of the future, because you know deep down that you have no future. You haven’t had a single significant achievement in your life. You’re lost, confused and doubtful. You don’t believe in yourself, you have no confidence and very little self-esteem. You wallow in self-pity, while expecting the world around to miraculously change in your favor. You are afraid of trying hard enough, because you live your life in fear of failure. You try to escape your problems rather than face them. You strive for success but are too cowardly to take any real risks. You have dreams which are bigger than you. You have no right to have such dreams. This is who you are; this is who you’ve always been. You are thus depressed, miserable and alone.”

She woke up shaking, with a racing heart and shooting pains in her head and down her spine. The voice in her dream was her own, yet it sounded more daunting. She got goosebumps as the sound continued to echo in her mind. She felt that the room was spinning. It took her a few minutes shake off the effects of the dream. She sat up and listened to the quiet exhaling of her dog, which laid sound asleep beside her, as her eyes flooded with tears. She remained paralyzed in this state of peril until sun rise, when the light started to slowly creep through the window.

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