The day she left the hospital, she locked herself in her room and stayed there for several days. She knew that she can’t leave the country like she had proposed, when she was in the hospital and on various drugs. But at the same time, she felt she couldn’t really face the outside world; anything beyond the four walls of her bedroom was more than she can handle at that point. She felt that she has travelled years back in time, back to when she was still a teenager; the time in her life when she was most miserable, when depression was her default mood.
She intentionally eliminated herself from her surroundings, from all the people who cared about her and whom she care about. She lay in bed and watched her favorite shows for days. She isolated herself from reality and refused to acknowledge her role in the world. Instead she preferred to be invisible, because even though she was surrounded by people, she still not only felt alone, but felt that she was nonexistent. Her isolation was a double edged sword, on the one hand it shielded her from any harm that the people surrounding her might cause, and on the other hand it imprisoned her. Once again she was at a point, where she felt she had no one. She was scared, depressed, empty and alone, which made her feel both anxious and numb.
She watched the days pass, watched her life move ahead while she lingered behind. She walked around the room, with tears streaming from her eyes. She felt that her life had no purpose. She was alone for so long that she had become accustomed to the loneliness, which is burning a hole through her insides. But as she walked up and down the room, she realized how much her life lacked any purpose or passion or meaning.
“I’ve never minded being alone. I don’t like it, but I don’t mind it either,” she thought. But lately it has become too much, everything is becoming too much for me. It’s soothing sometimes to be alone; it’s relaxing and allows me to think. But when I’m constantly alone, under pressure and struggling alone, it becomes depressing and exhausting. I can’t keep doing this; I can’t keep convincing myself that everything is ok, when it’s not. I’m scared of what the future holds and I’m terrified that it might hold more loneliness. I need to have something or someone that’s worthy in my life. I need to feel something more.”
With thoughts about her unknown future, her gloomy past and uncertain present running around in her head, she continued to cry. She lay once more on her bed, with her dog resting next to her. She quickly fell asleep and dreamt of a future full of possibilities and hope.